Hello! My name in Kelly. At 16, I almost got a beauty queen crown, but none of the judges suspected what kind of inner struggle I'd experienced on the way. When I was a little girl, my father made his living by breeding dogs. Mostly Rottweilers. He knew that I was afraid of them, so when he wanted to teach me a lesson, he could set the dogs on me and make me listen to their barking. Sometimes for hours… Fortunately, my mother left him when I was 5, because he treated her horribly as well.
Although the dogs didn't hurt my body, because they were locked in cages, they obviously hurt my sense of security. By the age of 12 I’d developed an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Each time I felt anxiety, I had to do strange rituals in my bathroom, which included biting my nails or pulling out the hair on my body and head. As a result, some areas of my body are covered with scars. I know, it sounds disgusting for those who have never suffered from this disorder. But I really couldn't control myself. I did it like a robot without even realizing. Only pain could stop me for a while...
Ironically, I grew up into a pretty girl. At least that's what everybody else said. I tried not to touch my face. My arms and legs have been the most damaged areas. I always covered them with clothes and masked them with makeup. I didn't tell my Mom, because I was afraid of doctors. Even my best friend Cindy had no idea that I had OCD. She was just as nerdy as me and we spent a lot of time together. As for romance, I didn't have any relationships. I was terrified to even think about showing my body to someone.
One day I was sitting in Cindy’s kitchen and doing a school project with her. Her gorgeous mother Linda came home early. Let me tell you about Linda: she is a former beauty queen and a coach for young beauty contestants. At 36, she looked much younger and prettier than me.
She was very upset that day. Her superstar beauty contestant Simone had fired her, because another agent promised her castles in the sky. Suddenly, Linda checked me out from top to bottom and said that she had fallen in love! I was wearing tight jeans and a turtleneck to hide my skin. She told me that I had to participate in the upcoming contest. I had a panic attack, politely refused, and ran home.
The next day, after school I found Linda and my Mom drinking tea in our living room. Linda had already convinced my Mom that beauty contests would be a life-changing opportunity for me. Mom had always had her head in the clouds! She asked me to change into a swimsuit and demonstrate my gait… I got very mad and told Linda to get out of our house. It stressed me out so bad that I spent two hours in the bathroom doing my common rituals. In the morning, I took a look at my skin and nails and I realized that I needed to talk to someone.
Instead of going to school I headed to Linda’s home office. She was very surprised to see me. I took off my clothes and showed her my skin. I told her that I did this to myself and I began to cry hysterically. It was such a relief to finally admit that out-loud… Linda was brave enough to hug me. She said: “Honey, I’ve been dealing with beauty business for years. Trust me, I’ve seen much worse! We’re gonna fix this.” I got dressed and Linda made me some delicious lemonade. We had a long conversation about my OCD. Then she called her friend and psychotherapist Terry and made an appointment. Later that night, we went there together. She was holding my hand the whole time.
Dr. Terry asked me a lot of questions about my family and my struggles. He didn't recommend any drugs for me so far and suggested natural methods like the integration of new healthy habits, regular sessions with him, and a support group. There are many teenagers out there with similar symptoms.
The next day, Linda invited me to the studio where most of the beauty contest trainings take place. We watched the girls rehearsing a dance. She brought me a gift — a pair of beautiful lace gloves — as a tool to protect me from my unconscious self-harm. Once again Linda offered to help me become a beauty contestant. Doctor Terry didn't mind. He said that it could help to empower me and shift my attention to something more creative. Moreover, beauty contests provide girls with a chance to get full college scholarship. So I gave up and said “yes” and my life took a 180-degree turn! Luckily, my mother was eager to pay for this adventure.
Linda provided me with a training and nutrition plan. For our first class Linda brought some crazy shoes with huge heels and began to teach me how to walk properly.
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